If I were a baby again
This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 4; the fourth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.
My dearest Randeep,
I don’t know why I am writing to you, or whether I should at all, tell you all these. But it’s important for me to tell someone and express myself. I can only hope that you would not judge me too harshly. But I will completely understand if you want to break up with me after this. I feel it’s time I am totally honest with you.
All these years, I have not been able to tell anybody what I think and how I truly feel. Even with you, I have bottled up a lot of my emotions inside me, which are now becoming too asphyxiating. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself for behaving the way I have today. May be it’s the exam pressure or those pain killers I have been taking for the past one year, ever since you left for London. Well, today I got caught by my parents. My father suspected that someone was using his prescription pad, when the last page went missing. I was a fool not to wait till he got his new prescription pad. But the craving for the pills was so much that I tore off that page, wrote the name of the medicine, put my father’s signature along with his registration number and dashed off to the drug store in a different part of the city. You see, I have to buy those medicines from a different shop each time, to avoid suspicion.
See, just that one page missing would not have been too much of a problem, but my father somehow suspected Ayush and asked him. And the snitch that he is, he immediately told him that he had seen me in his chamber today morning. When I came back from the store, I just dashed to my room to pop the pill. You can imagine my shock when my father caught me in the act. At first he was worried and confused to see me taking medicine and enquired about it. When he discovered what it was and how I have procured it, he quickly realised everything.
My mother had an important conference call to attend today. Yes, on a Sunday. You see, as a partner of a big corporate law firm, she spends even her holidays with her overseas clients. You won’t believe the drama that she did after she was called back home and informed about the whole incident. Tears, loud thumping of chest with words like “why did it had to happen to my daughter, what did I do wrong…” made her look so much like those screen mothers of the 80s Hindi cinema.
I was blinded with humiliation and anger. Everything just came tumbling out of me, even before I realised what I was saying. I told both of them that it was their fault. It was their fault that I was the elder child, who is always expected to take responsibility for everything in their absence. A good education, good clothes, lots of pocket money and gifts do not equal to good parenting. Ever since Ayush was born when I was 8 years old, he became the apple of their eye and they began to take me for granted. I became the de-facto nanny for Ayush. I had to miss parties and stay back at home if Ayush could not be taken. All policies and Bank FDs were made in his name; he got a brand new mobile phone when he scored 85% in his Boards; he is being groomed at FIITZEE for joint entrance exams. It’s all about Ayush and no one else in this household.
I still remember that I was always the more brilliant of us two. I scored bloody 93% in the Boards and all I got was a new diary. “Since you love creative writing so much, this is for you!” Yeah, something inexpensive to bribe the girl child, right? Remember, I once told you there has always been a lavish party whenever some one in the family achieves something. When my father got the prestigious offer to lecture at a UK Medicine school, when my mother was offered the partnership in the firm, even when my brother was merely in the top 20 of the Maths Olympiad, there was a party each time. But when I managed to get a seat in one of the most coveted National law schools, there was not even a discussion of a party, as if it need not be counted as an achievement. Or, may be I need not be counted as a family member.
I told them all these today. I screamed and shouted and told them exactly why and how I started to become addicted towards pain killers. I always felt lonely, alienated from my surrounding. Only after I met you, I started to feel that there was someone who genuinely cared for me. But when our long-distance relationship became a bit strained, again I felt as if I was going down a dark abyss with nothing to look forward to. I needed a way to kill the pain that I have felt all these years.
Now, I feel like becoming a baby again. I want to go back to just those initial 8 years of my life. I would then be able to attract the undivided attention of both my parents. They would treat me like their precious one once again. When I was born, my mother took a break from work for 3 years. If I were her baby again, she would never spend 12 hours in office everyday, plus sometimes her Sundays. I can hug her for as much time as I want. There would be no one to share her with. My father would again take me to the Landmark store every weekend and buy all the best picture books and toys for me. He would again call me his ‘Barbie’. It has been a long long while since I have been lovingly addressed by him. If I were a child again, I would be carefree, happy-go-lucky as I was. I would then not have to worry about the placement seasons in the times of recession and how they would react if I am not able to bag a plum job. I would not constantly fret over how to prove myself before them, over and above Ayush. I would not grow beyond 8 years. I would never learn neglect and aloofness.
I will now pop all the remaining pills in the foil. After all, there is more pain to kill today.
Love as always,
Thanks a ton Psych Babbler and Mahesh for voting for me and placing me 5th; and many thanks to Karthik, Prashant, Vipul and Madhu (the winner of this Blog-a-Ton) for giving my post a special mention. I am honoured and much encouraged.
Surprise! Surprise! I was pleasantly surprised to find this post of mine featured in WeBlog on 2nd September 2010. Hope over here to see what people, who have not read it before, are saying now 🙂