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If I were a baby again

November 7, 2009

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 4; the fourth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

My dearest Randeep,

I don’t know why I am writing to you, or whether I should at all, tell you all these. But it’s important for me to tell someone and express myself. I can only hope that you would not judge me too harshly. But I will completely understand if you want to break up with me after this. I feel it’s time I am totally honest with you.

All these years, I have not been able to tell anybody what I think and how I truly feel. Even with you, I have bottled up a lot of my emotions inside me, which are now becoming too asphyxiating. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself for behaving the way I have today. May be it’s the exam pressure or those pain killers I have been taking for the past one year, ever since you left for London. Well, today I got caught by my parents. My father suspected that someone was using his prescription pad, when the last page went missing. I was a fool not to wait till he got his new prescription pad. But the craving for the pills was so much that I tore off that page, wrote the name of the medicine, put my father’s signature along with his registration number and dashed off to the drug store in a different part of the city. You see, I have to buy those medicines from a different shop each time, to avoid suspicion.

See, just that one page missing would not have been too much of a problem, but my father somehow suspected Ayush and asked him. And the snitch that he is, he immediately told him that he had seen me in his chamber today morning. When I came back from the store, I just dashed to my room to pop the pill. You can imagine my shock when my father caught me in the act. At first he was worried and confused to see me taking medicine and enquired about it. When he discovered what it was and how I have procured it, he quickly realised everything.

My mother had an important conference call to attend today. Yes, on a Sunday. You see, as a partner of a big corporate law firm, she spends even her holidays with her overseas clients. You won’t believe the drama that she did after she was called back home and informed about the whole incident. Tears, loud thumping of chest with words like “why did it had to happen to my daughter, what did I do wrong…” made her look so much like those screen mothers of the 80s Hindi cinema.

I was blinded with humiliation and anger. Everything just came tumbling out of me, even before I realised what I was saying. I told both of them that it was their fault. It was their fault that I was the elder child, who is always expected to take responsibility for everything in their absence. A good education, good clothes, lots of pocket money and gifts do not equal to good parenting. Ever since Ayush was born when I was 8 years old, he became the apple of their eye and they began to take me for granted. I became the de-facto nanny for Ayush. I had to miss parties and stay back at home if Ayush could not be taken. All policies and Bank FDs were made in his name; he got a brand new mobile phone when he scored 85% in his Boards; he is being groomed at FIITZEE for joint entrance exams. It’s all about Ayush and no one else in this household.

I still remember that I was always the more brilliant of us two. I scored bloody 93% in the Boards and all I got was a new diary. “Since you love creative writing so much, this is for you!” Yeah, something inexpensive to bribe the girl child, right? Remember, I once told you there has always been a lavish party whenever some one in the family achieves something. When my father got the prestigious offer to lecture at a UK Medicine school, when my mother was offered the partnership in the firm, even when my brother was merely in the top 20 of the Maths Olympiad, there was a party each time. But when I managed to get a seat in one of the most coveted National law schools, there was not even a discussion of a party, as if it need not be counted as an achievement. Or, may be I need not be counted as a family member.

I told them all these today. I screamed and shouted and told them exactly why and how I started to become addicted towards pain killers. I always felt lonely, alienated from my surrounding. Only after I met you, I started to feel that there was someone who genuinely cared for me. But when our long-distance relationship became a bit strained, again I felt as if I was going down a dark abyss with nothing to look forward to. I needed a way to kill the pain that I have felt all these years.

Now, I feel like becoming a baby again. I want to go back to just those initial 8 years of my life. I would then be able to attract the undivided attention of both my parents. They would treat me like their precious one once again. When I was born, my mother took a break from work for 3 years. If I were her baby again, she would never spend 12 hours in office everyday, plus sometimes her Sundays. I can hug her for as much time as I want. There would be no one to share her with. My father would again take me to the Landmark store every weekend and buy all the best picture books and toys for me. He would again call me his ‘Barbie’. It has been a long long while since I have been lovingly addressed by him. If I were a child again, I would be carefree, happy-go-lucky as I was. I would then not have to worry about the placement seasons in the times of recession and how they would react if I am not able to bag a plum job. I would not constantly fret over how to prove myself before them, over and above Ayush. I would not grow beyond 8 years. I would never learn neglect and aloofness.

I will now pop all the remaining pills in the foil. After all, there is more pain to kill today.

Love as always,

Anushka

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Thanks a ton Psych Babbler and Mahesh for voting for me and placing me 5th; and many thanks to Karthik, Prashant, Vipul and Madhu (the winner of this Blog-a-Ton) for giving my post a special mention. I am honoured and much encouraged.

Surprise! Surprise! I was pleasantly surprised to find this post of mine featured in WeBlog on 2nd September 2010. Hope over here to see what people, who have not read it before, are saying now :-)

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60 Comments leave one →
  1. November 7, 2009 1:53 pm

    awesome writing :)

    nice to see that you are getting time to write, gives me some hope!

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 7, 2009 1:55 pm

      Thanks :-) Just a bit of intelligent time management and you will have enough time for your passions :-)

  2. November 7, 2009 2:57 pm

    Beautiful prose. I’m sure people say this to you all the time : you can write and write well at that :-) .

    On the story, I hope parents do not give up on their kids so easily. The indifference-discrimination towards the girl child is still rampant in India and it is not just in rural pockets. It happens in educated families as well like you rightly point out..

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 7, 2009 3:02 pm

      Thank you so much :-)

      Its my first attempt at Blog-a-Ton and I am glad that I could actually take time out to write it. It feels great to be appreciated. :-)

  3. November 7, 2009 3:32 pm

    loved ur post….feelings well expressed…all the best!!!!
    Pushpee

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 7, 2009 3:40 pm

      Thank u, thank u….all the best to you too :-)

  4. Shouvik permalink
    November 7, 2009 3:55 pm

    The turn of the prose is oddly compelling. I especially liked the penultimate paragraph. Reminded me of Alan Beck’s words: “A little girl can be sweeter oftener than anyone else in the world. She can jitter around, and stomp, and make funny noises that frazzle your nerves, yet just when you open your mouth she stands there demure with that special look in her eyes. A girl is Innocence playing in the mud, Beauty standing on its head, and Motherhood dragging a doll by the foot.” :)

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 7, 2009 4:01 pm

      Alan Beck’s words are so so true :-)

      The penultimate paragraph is the only part related to the topic :-) Rest is just a prelude, building up for the grand finale…

  5. November 7, 2009 6:12 pm

    Oh wow! I’m dumbfounded. That was absolutely amazing. Words are not enough to describe it. I really liked your take on it esp because I’m also passionate about women’s issues and although your post may be fiction, it has an element of truth in it for so many women out there…Keep up the great work!!!

    And I’m going to follow you from now on…

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 7, 2009 6:16 pm

      I am speechless with happiness :-) Thank u so much…I am deeply honoured…

  6. November 7, 2009 7:19 pm

    Like your post..half way through it, I wondered how or if at all you are going to link to the topic :). But I must say you proved me wrong !

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 9:53 am

      Thanks :-) After I wrote it, I was worried about the fact whether I could do proper justice to the topic or not. But it seems, I was successful. :-)

  7. November 7, 2009 7:41 pm

    Amazing post!

    The way you have touched upon various social issues in this one single post is marvelous.

    Both parents working
    Preference of boy child to a girl
    The expectations from the elder child

    Amazing! By far, one of the best posts in Blog-a-ton4

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 9:55 am

      Thank you so so much :-)

  8. November 7, 2009 9:08 pm

    Amazing, absolutely amazing….really really proud of you today….am sure you will win.

    Swayambhu

    P.S. Its high time you quit your regular job and took up the pen, full time. You are meant for bigger, better things, trust me!

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 9:59 am

      Thanks :-) Don’t know about winning or not; but I am already high on the appreciations of so many people…This is ultimately what matters…

      • November 9, 2009 10:48 am

        I fully agree with you!!!! Well done once again! Tell you what, you should try and get this published somewhere. Am sure it will be accepted…Sunday Statesman, perhaps?

        Swayambhu

  9. November 8, 2009 3:24 pm

    you write so well,
    you did proper justice to the feelings of a girl by expressing it in a correct way
    gr8 post

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 10:00 am

      Thanks :-) Glad that u liked it…

  10. November 8, 2009 4:38 pm

    loved your post…
    Very beautifully written… :)
    Cheers!!

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 10:06 am

      Thank u so much :-)

  11. November 8, 2009 8:44 pm

    Very compactly written indeed… You write really well! Kudos!
    All the best for Blog-a-Ton 4….

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 10:07 am

      Thanks, Guria…btw, I absolutely loved your winning entry for the previous Blog-a-Ton :-)

  12. November 8, 2009 11:04 pm

    this is much, much good. i love the way each sentence sort of rolls off from the previous one. superb.

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 10:10 am

      Thanks…I didn’t notice that quality of the sentences, but now that you mentioned…yes, it is actually so :-) I am right now thumping my back ;-)

  13. November 8, 2009 11:52 pm

    Now thats a lot of plight for one post ….. gud one

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 10:12 am

      Thanks…You see, I am one big Tragedy Queen ;-)

  14. November 9, 2009 10:45 am

    It’s one of the best pieces of writing I’ve come across. But I have just one question: Why so morose? :-(

    It was really an intense read. Liked your narrative style very much. :-)
    And I humbly hope that it is just pure fiction and there is not a flicker of reality in it.
    All the best! :-)

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 10:53 am

      I am honoured :-) Thanks

      Why so morose? As I said, I am a Tragedy Queen, somehow I always write better in this genre :-)

      Yes, it sure is fiction for me…but I am sure it is not so for many other girl children, right?

  15. dmanji permalink
    November 9, 2009 11:07 am

    You have really took a different take on the topic which was fun topic…see this is why I love this Blog-a-ton you’ll get a very wide spectrum on a single topic …. Good to see an issue based take on what was supposed to be a fun topic :D

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 12:16 pm

      I agree with you on the point how Blog-a-Ton gave all of us a ready-made platter of wonderful reads :-)

  16. November 9, 2009 12:47 pm

    Amazing post!! :) you have written it so nicely!! Totally different take on this topic. Was a nice read :)

  17. debosmita permalink*
    November 9, 2009 12:52 pm

    Glad that you liked it :-) Thanks

  18. manohar permalink
    November 9, 2009 1:23 pm

    good post…a very different perspective

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 5:10 pm

      Thanks for dropping by :-)

  19. aativas permalink
    November 9, 2009 4:58 pm

    You have very well captured the discrimination girls suffer from in the families. Very good writing.

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 9, 2009 5:11 pm

      Thank u :-) Do drop in more often :-)

  20. November 9, 2009 10:00 pm

    Awesome!
    Beautiful write up girl! Loved it!

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 10, 2009 10:01 am

      Thank u so much :-) I am much encouraged

  21. November 9, 2009 11:22 pm

    A brilliant post there, Debosmita. U definitely added a different dimension to the event with ur tak on busy parents, discrimination of girl child (or maybe elder child too in this context) and other stuff.
    Really liked the flow of ur post.. All the best :)

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 10, 2009 10:04 am

      Thanks, Marshall :-) All these comments and appreciations have put me on a perpetual high and I am so so glad that people liked it :-)

      And a huge thanks to your idea of Blog-a-Ton…

  22. November 10, 2009 3:25 am

    Hi…..

    Balanced, impacting, rational, practical, impressive and fabulous post:)

    I read this post many times in many aspects and perspectives , placing myself in Anushka’s place. I just visualised and felt the happenings of the story. I can empathize every word and situation of this topic. I know the pain of being ignored(being an elder son, thanks Vipul). I want to write many things here, but i know it is not the right place.
    Thanks a lot for bringing such happening topic. I am bit relaxed after reading this post.
    If it is your imagination, then it is Brilliant. If it is your experience, then I dont have words.
    You wrote those aspects which I cannot write in my blog. Thanks again.

    The narration is great and so is the the reason to be a baby again.

    I will consider this for voting :)

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 10, 2009 10:23 am

      It is such a humbling feeling to know that you read it many times and actually put yourself in Anushka’s place to feel her pain. When I started writing, I just had the discrimination of a girl child as a broad idea; but when I finished, I realised that I have unconsciously addressed other interconnected issues too.

      Well, this cannot be my experience since I am the only child ;-) But such experiences are so rampant in the society that one just cannot turn a blind eye to this.

      Thank you so so much :-)

  23. mrunmayee permalink
    November 10, 2009 12:29 pm

    superb misha!!!…with this kind of writing you ll only evoke jealousy and wonder..

  24. debosmita permalink*
    November 10, 2009 12:40 pm

    Thanks, Mallu :-) Glad that you dropped by… Please keep visiting :-)

  25. November 10, 2009 3:15 pm

    Nice expression of thoughts! Felt sad after reading…

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 10, 2009 6:03 pm

      Welcome to my Blog. Good to know that my words could make you feel the pain. Thanks :-)

  26. November 10, 2009 10:42 pm

    welcome to blog-a-ton!!! and wordpress bloggers instantly grab a soft corner in my heart :) :) but then you dont need to be a WP blogger to make me happy if you have a good post…Voila here you have one :D

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 11, 2009 9:58 am

      Welcome to my blog…

      Oh! great…I am so glad to know that my post could gather a soft corner in your heart ;-) Thank you…

  27. November 10, 2009 11:33 pm

    Beautifully written. Very relevant in today’s times. This does happen… I wish she didn’t feel the need to take all the pills together :(

    • debosmita permalink*
      November 11, 2009 10:02 am

      Welcome IHM :-) Thank u so much…Glad that you liked it…

  28. November 13, 2009 3:49 pm

    Congratulations once again…..you deserve all the accolades you are getting!!!

    Swayambhu

  29. January 15, 2010 6:33 pm

    Debosmita,
    I don’t know how I missed this mind blowing post in Blog-a-ton 4 (maybe because I hated the topic). I would have voted for this post, if not for my ignorance. I like people who characterize well, but Alas! not everyone is good in that department, but this post is an example of how a character must be developed. I could understand the trauma of Anushka right from the start. Well, this being said, I bow to you thee, i have become your fan :)

    Cheers!

    • debosmita permalink*
      January 15, 2010 6:43 pm

      Pawan :-( I missed one vote :-( but nevertheless, I am so happy that you liked it so much :-) der aaye par durust aaye :-)

  30. Prasad permalink
    July 15, 2010 12:47 am

    Check this video..

    http://colormekatie.blogspot.com/2010/03/surprise.html

  31. Prasad permalink
    July 15, 2010 12:25 pm

    Something contradiction here.. Is this the same side of your life? Being proud of ur dad in “Letter from a daughter to her father” and here you got envy on ur brother, and you bought those toy matters here!! Come on!! I think that video helps you for some heart warming.

    But this postis absolutely awesome!! but some replies here has linked it to social issues. This is a simple post which tells a flash back about the childhood memories.. Not every relation is perfect.. I think you haven’t missed anything in your life! Please look back again. Without you, ur parents and bro will be crashed. A lot coming to my mind but I need to go to office.. I ll discuss it later.

    • debosmita permalink*
      July 15, 2010 1:37 pm

      This is a work of fiction and not from my life; I am the only child. Thank you for your appreciation :-) This is a piece very close to my heart. Glad that you liked it.

Trackbacks

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